


Illicit Substances

by ignipes



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-08-09
Updated: 2005-08-09
Packaged: 2017-10-02 22:44:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ignipes/pseuds/ignipes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You can't put that in there!"</p><p>"Why not?"</p><p>"Can't you read? It's marked 'explosive'."</p><p>"So?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Illicit Substances

"What d'ya think will happen if we add some of that green one?"

"This one?"

"No, the other green one. In the little vial."

"That's not green, that's turquoise. And it smells awful."

"Turquoise?"

"Or maybe teal."

"Teal?"

"Yeah...what? What's that look for?"

"Sirius, what colour is that one?"

"Yellow."

"Not chartreuse? Are you certain? And this one, is it aubergine or plum?"

"Ha, ha. Very funny. You are the very soul of -- Remus, what are you doing?"

"Mixing these two together. They make a pretty colour. Almost blood red."

"Crimson, you stupid ponce. Look, we got what we came for. C'mon."

"Who is more of a ponce, the ponce who mixes the colour or the ponce who names it?"

"My, aren't we philosophical tonight."

"It's these new shorts, with the Snitches on them. They make me very thoughtful."

"Nobody would ever believe me if I told them that Remus Lupin does all of his thinking in his pants."

"That's odd, because I tell people the same thing about you all the time, and they have no trouble believing me."

"Only because they don't know what a filthy liar you are -- _now_ what are you doing? You can't put that in there!"

"Why not?"

"Can't you read? It's marked 'explosive'."

"So?"

"Remus. We've been through this before."

"Just a few drops?"

"No."

"Please? One drop?"

"No."

"One tiny drop? How explosive can one little drop be? Look how tiny this drop is."

"Remus John Lupin, don't you dare. Don't you remember the Incident of the Chunky Vomit-Scented Concoction?"

"I remember."

"I don't think you do. You have a selective memory when it comes to things you've blown up."

"Trust me, I remember. The stains never did come out of the ceiling. The one over my desk is shaped like an erumpent buggering a dinosaur."

"So you should -- is it really? I never noticed. But you should know by now that you just can't randomly mix together potions ingredients. Especially not _these_ potions ingredients."

"What, these? In the 'Dangerous and Forbidden' cabinet? Please, Sirius. You know if Slughorn really wanted us to leave these alone he wouldn't have given them such an enticing label. 'Dangerous and Forbidden' -- that's practically an engraved invitation to break the lock--"

"Like you just did."

"--and help ourselves."

"Like you are now doing. I don't think Slughorn has quite the same talent for complete and utter lack of logic as you do. He's not really the sort to label explosive potions 'Harmless Bunny Fluff' just because it's sneaky."

"The harmless bunny fluff is in the other cabinet. With the goose down and rat tails."

"Don't think I don't see you moving that dropper toward the cauldron."

"I don't understand, Sirius. These worries are so unlike you. What are you afraid of?"

"I beg your pardon? Afraid? I'm not afraid."

"Yes, you are. You're afraid of one tiny little drop of -- oops. That was a slightly bigger drop than I intended."

"How big? I'm not afraid."

"You have no love for experimentation, Mr. Black. That's your problem."

"I love experimentation. I just don't want to end up covered in chunky vomit shit again."

"You're just angry because it messed up your pretty hair. You have no sense of adventure. You're always thwarting my adventures."

"Thwarting your -- I'll show you _thwarting_, you bloody plonker, just as soon as we get out of this dungeon. We've got the sneezewort. Let's go."

"I wonder what's in this blue bottle? I rather like it here. Don't you like dungeons, too? You told me you did."

"I did not. When?"

"Friday last. You had quite a bit to say about dungeons. Dungeons, chains, manacles. Prisoners."

"Did I? That evening is a bit...fuzzy."

"Small wonder. Just because Firewhiskey comes in bottles that size doesn't mean you have to drink all of it in one sitting, you know."

"It wasn't the Firewhiskey, it was that flowery shit James mixed into it. What did I say about dungeons?"

"You said that when you get bored in Potions class you sometimes daydream that you're a mysterious lord with your own castle located on some desolate moor just off an old road so that unwary werewolves travelling through the land will be caught in storms and forced to seek shelter, which you, the mysterious lord, will offer most graciously, but the floor in the guest chambers is actually a trapdoor leading down to the dungeons, and in the middle of the night you steal the unwary traveller from his bed and carry him down to the dungeon where, secured by chains and manacles, he for some reason or another consents to perform all manner of lewd acts on you."

"..."

"But you didn't specify what lewd acts you had in mind."

"..."

"Nor did you specify just how you managed to persuade him, that poor unwary lost werewolf."

"I...I said that?"

"More or less. You certainly have elaborate daydreams, Sirius."

"I...um..."

"Though it does explain that rather..._glazed_ look you often get during Potions class."

"I was just joking, you idiot. Joking. I can't believe you fell for that. Stupid. It was a joke."

"Were you? That's too bad."

"Yes, I -- too bad?"

"Well, here's you, here's me, and here's a dungeon..."

"Dungeon?"

"And it's the middle of the night, and it may very well be storming outside."

"Storming?"

"Yes, storming. Well? You may stop leering suggestively long enough to reply."

"The, ah, the mysterious lord. In the castle. On the moor. He -- he _must_ leer suggestively. It's in the script."

"Ah. Well, then. Leer away."

"I shall. Now, unwary werewolf, let me help you remove those rain-soaked robes. Just a bit closer. I won't bite, not unless you -- what's that? Is it supposed to be doing that?"

"What?"

"That stuff in the cauldron. It's _hissing_."

"Ah. So it is. Interesting"

"That doesn't sound good."

"And now it's changing colours."

"Remus, what the fuck did you put in there?"

"You know perfectly well I have no idea what I put in there."

"Remus..."

"Just ignore it and get over here."

"I can't ignore, it's going to -- _GET DOWN!!!!!_"

"..."

"Fuck."

"You think somebody heard that?"

"Probably. I think my arm is broken."

"I think my skull is cracked."

"I think I am never going to take you to raid the potions storeroom ever again. You're a menace. You can't even _look_ at potions ingredients without making them explode. You're too dangerous to take anywhere. I should have left you in the dorm."

"You say that every time, Padfoot."

"This time I mean it."

"No, you don't."

"No, I don't."


End file.
